It’s heady, all consuming and hard. Raising Aria has the potential to isolate me from the people I care most deeply about.
Part operations, part life stage and part the rush of having my own outside of me. I’ve been so in-my-own-head that this opportunity to find joy outside of me feels god-sent. There’s a relief that life’s not only about me.
The last two months, especially, have been incredibly intense. I’m in a bootcamp. there’s tons of joy and moments of sheer delirious delight.
But also feels like I’m stuck on another planet. One that is private, unique and too specific.
And while I’m in the trenches, I want to write about the things I long for.
5 Big Aches:
- My friends mean the world to me. It’s the only family I’ve felt. I’m raised and trolled and comforted by their presence. But right now, it’s all words and desire – not much action. This hurts a lot.
- Energy and time are the most valuable resources in the world. Use it wisely, judiciously and to do big and brave things. I keep telling myself this as days and days and weeks and weeks and months and months keep tumbling. How will I write that book and make that film and build this large and enduring company? When will I lose myself in work again?
- I miss me, and the version of myself that’s consumed by work, in the warm hug of my friendships, in the quiet of a late morning doing nothing, the me that’s bored and over-slept and slow and aimless. Okay not the aimless bit. But I miss irresponsibility, sometimes.
- Who’s running their fingers in my hair? Comforting me? Telling me you’ve done well. That I’m proud of how far you’ve come. As we grow older, touch becomes absent. I just end up huggy-pooging Aria. I miss lying in my mother’s lap, resting and being in the presence of my father.
- Where’s Sharanya? Where are we? The two that bought in the third. How ironic and sad and scary that a child leaves you with precious little to fill each other. I’m to blame for not having planned enough dates and time-outs for the both of us. But I can barely, just about, with all my might – do my current things.